im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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