Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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