Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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