It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
