I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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