Cold hands, warm shart.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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