when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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