hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize