I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
