Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My bed smells like the plague
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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