My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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