Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
