Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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