oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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