Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Im part way to drunk.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
