Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
