the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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