So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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