Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
