What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
