I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
