My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
