my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
