it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize