in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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