who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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