Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
