i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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