Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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