Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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