How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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