drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
