I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize