dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
