she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
