um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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