I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
