I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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