My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize