1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
