I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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