He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize