Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
