I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
