He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize