If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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