I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
