The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
