i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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