I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we should paint friendship bongs
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