You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
