A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
