My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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