She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize