oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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