Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
