I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
