you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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