this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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