I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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