Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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