She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
