I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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