She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
