I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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