My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I love you. Go after that dick
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