Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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