I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
