The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
