the condom got lost in my hair
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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