I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
