dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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