walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
